


Another Heartache, Another Failed Romance

by wilderness-child (Herodias)



Series: You Never Heard My Song Before, The Music Was Too Loud [3]
Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, References to Depression, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, am I going to write happy stuff?, or sort of?, probably some day but not today, the show must go on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-12-06 19:31:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18224483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Herodias/pseuds/wilderness-child
Summary: "Freddie was staring right at him, while sitting on the sofa; his expression was so blank Brian couldn’t figure out what he was thinking.Paranoia hit him; he was probably judging his awful performance, or the too-pathetic words.Or the fact that he had written a song about him dying."Inspired by the iconic quote "I'll fucking do it, darling"





	Another Heartache, Another Failed Romance

Brian put his headphones on.  
_“Don’t think about the lyrics, just sing. Note after note. Words are meaningless”_  
He tried to stay as calm as possible. He sighed and the song began.  
  
_Empty spaces, what are we living for?_  
_Abandoned places, I guess we know the score, on and on_  
_Does anybody know what we are looking for?_  
  
He had managed to forget everything, the meaning of the lyrics, the people behind them. He had a job to do, which was hitting the notes, and he was doing just fine. He was on autopilot.  
  
_Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance_  
_Another heartache, another failed romance, on and on_  
_Does anybody know what we are living for?”_  
  
And then, he made a fatal mistake. He stopped staring at the music sheets and looked behind the window. Freddie was staring right at him, while sitting on the sofa; his expression was so blank Brian couldn’t figure out what he was thinking.  
Paranoia hit him; he was probably judging his awful performance, or the too-pathetic words. _Or the fact that he had written a song about him dying._  
His voice cracked and he gasped.  
“Sorry - he shouted - Got distracted. Can we do it again?”  
The music stopped and after a while the song started from the beginning.  
_“Don’t mess it up this time.”_  
  
_Inside my heart is breaking_  
_My makeup may be flaking_  
_But my smile still stays on_  
  
His smile, his goddam smile, that cute, brilliant, spectacular smile. He longed to see that smile, but Freddie was still impassible. It hurt.  
_“Please, will you smile for me? Will you smile for me now, before it’s too late? Will you smile for me one last time?”_  
The thoughts surprised him, his mind was racing out of control.  
_“No, no, NO, please, stop!”_  
  
_I'll soon be turning, round the corner now_  
_Outside the dawn is breaking_  
_But inside in the dark I’m aching to be free_  
  
Tears were forming in the corner of his eyes.  
He tore the headphones off in frustration. Why couldn’t he just sing, for fuck’s sake?  
“Sorry - this time, it was more of a whisper, as he left the booth - The notes are too high. Can’t hit them.”  
John and Roger avoided his gaze. At least they pretended to believe that pathetic lie, sparing him the pain of explaining why his throat had decided to stop cooperating. They knew it was hard; it was hard for them too.

Freddie was still staring at him. _“You let him down. You failed, you failed him and you don’t have enough time to make up for it. Great.”_  
The singer got up from the sofa, meeting the worried looks of his friends.  
“It’s okay. Don’t worry, I’ll fucking do it.” He smiled and winked at the guitarist, who in turn stared at him in utter confusion.  
“Are you… Are you sure? I mean, you should’ve sang it from the start, but you don’t have to do it if…”  
“Just watch me, dear.” And he entered the booth.

He nailed it in only one take. It was… amazing. Incredible. Stellar. _Heartbreaking._

Brian felt like he couldn’t breath anymore. He hurried out of the room, ignoring Roger calling his name. He couldn’t stop, couldn’t face his friends, couldn’t face him; he had to get away.  
As soon as he was in the courtyard, he tried to inhale and calm himself, but it was of no use. He sat on the steps and began shaking uncontrollably.

“Is everything alright?”  
He almost jumped, startled. “Fuck” he whispered.  
Freddie was standing right behind him. He tried to put himself together. _“He can’t see you like this. You have to be strong, you idiot.”_  
“Sure. ‘Am fine. Needed some air, that’s all.”  
The singer sat by his side.  
“What the hell are you doing? Get up and go back inside, or you’ll catch a cold! It’s freezing here.”  
“At least I’ve got a coat. What about you?”  
Brian hadn’t even noticed he was only wearing a long sleeved shirt against the cold November wind. To be fair, he was so disoriented he couldn’t even feel the cold.

“So, what’s wrong?”  
“It’s nothing.” But then he dared to look at his friend, and his not-so-carefully-crafted mask fell.  
“The song… the way you sang it… Beautiful…”  
“Of course it was! It’s me you’re talking about, after all.”  
That made him genuinely smile. “Always so modest…”  
“To hell with modesty. I’m a fucking legend.”  
Brian stared at the floor, a new wave of sadness hitting him. “Yeah. Yeah, you are.”

He couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. He covered his face with the hands and began sobbing.  
Freddie hugged him. “No, darling, please, don’t cry. It’s alright. It’s alright.”  
“I’m sor… I’m sorry. So.. sorry…”  
“It’s alright. It’s not you fault.”  
“I fail… I failed you… sorry…”  
“That’s not true. You could never fail me. Never.”  
“You need… need a strong person by… by your side. Supporting you and stuff. And here I… here I am. Can’t even sing… So fucking useless”  
“Don’t beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong.”  
He sniffed and stopped sobbing. Tears were still falling, silently. “I shouldn’t be the one crying. I should be the one holding you right now, not the other way round.”  
“But it did happen, last week, remember? We’re just taking turns, which seems pretty fair, if you ask me.”  
“No, it’s not. Nothing about any of this is fair.”

They stood into each other’s arms for a while, lost in thoughts. Brian wished this moment could last forever; the only future he could picture was that exact moment, with his head resting on Freddie’s shoulder and Freddie’s arms around his waist.

“Fred?”  
“Yeah, love?”  
“I’m scared” He could barely hear his own voice.  
“Me too. Fucking terrified.”  
“Can’t live without you. Don’t think I will.”  
“Nonsense! - he scolded - Don’t you dare saying it again. Don’t you dare even thinking about it!”  
Brian was now staring blankly at the void. “Why not? When you… - he paused, uncomfortable - …are gone, what’s left? How will I go on?”  
“You’re stronger than this. You already survived it, you’ll survive again.”  
“You won’t be there saving me this time.”  
Freddie placed one hand under Brian’s chin, forcing him to look him in the eyes.  
“Brian Harold May, don’t let grief take over you. Or else I’m coming back to life with the sole purpose of kicking your arse. Is that clear?”  
How could he say “no” to those eyes? Somewhere, he found the strength to lie. He had to, he wasn’t going to let Freddie worry about him. He wasn’t going to let him deal with his depression, not while he had his own battle to face. He wasn’t going to tell him how purposeless, and grey, and empty his life would be after his death. He wasn’t going to tell him how much he still loved him, despite having fucked everything up between them so many years ago.  
So he nodded, but made no promises.

“You are going to be fine, Bri.”  
“How can you be so sure?”  
“Because I know you, and what you are capable of, even if you don’t know it yourself.”

And then he brushed his lips against Brian’s, gently.  
When they parted, Brian realised he wasn’t crying anymore, and he could breath again.

“Doesn’t your husband mind you kissing random guys?”  
“You’re not a random guy, you are my sweet Brimi. And I’m sure he doesn’t mind me giving you a parting gift.”  
“Fred, stop it. It’s not funny.”  
“It’s called black humor.”  
“It’s called you being an arsehole.”  
Freddie grinned as he got up. “Now, darling, let’s go back inside”

But Brian didn’t follow him. He really wanted to get up and smile and go back in the studio and forget everything, but he couldn’t. He simply sat there, with his eyes closed, hanging on to the memory of the kiss. He didn’t want to let that feeling go, as much as he didn’t want to let Freddie go.  
_Another heartache, another failed romance._ In his mind, the same two lyrics kept playing in loop. It was painful to admit it, but it was impossible to deny it any longer; Freddie had already slipped away from him, and there was no going back.  


**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to write this series in chronological order. B ut, for the first time in my life, I said "to hell with planning".  
> I'm also gonna write fluff stuff soon for the first time in my life, so stay tuned, I suppose.  
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
